i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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