it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
