genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I need to stop coming to work sober
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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