I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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