His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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