You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
