you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
