a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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