Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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