Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize