Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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