I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I looked at my own cervix.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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