i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
