i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
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