I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
