Can i not drive my cunt home
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Houston, we have a blender
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
