I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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