he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize