I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
