Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
