i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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