Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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