she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
