Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
