He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
