I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize