He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
