The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
