Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
