she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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