I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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