Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
