If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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