not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize