I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
