If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
