You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
