I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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