U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
