Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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