I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I currently don't understand fingers.
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