I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
