What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
