I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
