My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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