I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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