someone threw a dead crab at me
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
