he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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