I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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