omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
