is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
