The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
birth control should be required to get into college
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
