and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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