Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
