Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize