I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize