I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
