I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
