no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
