At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
