Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
