Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
