I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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